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 shootingstarwishes@livejournal, - ember's blog -
ember moltas sterling
 Posted: Apr 11 2015, 08:52 PM
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44 POSTS
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kintsukuroi (n.) (v.phr.) "to repair with gold"; the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken
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★ just the words of a girl that is made of starlight and crafted from the deepest reaches of the universe ★ thank you for listening to the song of the shooting star sailing through the sky that wants nothing more than to grant your greatest wish ★ in the form of a kind word, a crafted piece just for you, or an entry that perhaps speaks to you ★ keep calm and carry on ★
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11 APRIL 2015 @ 10:23 PM
home sweet home
Elaine would like me to keep up a journal that she can assess whenever I give her permission. So this is my little corner of the internet that I will claim as my own. It's a nice way to connect with people, see views of others, but mostly I am just trying to express everything that I am going through. Right now I am simply glad I am as settled in as I will ever be. A tiny little loft that has great lighting during the day thanks to vast windows. I love them because they give me great light and air during the day, if they are open for air while I work on my metals I mean. And at night? I can lay on a sleeping bag in my workshop floor and simply stare out at the night sky. I can fall asleep so easily just watching the night sky. I always have been able to, ever since I came here. But having such a comfort here in this new place? It's so nice.

Most everything about this place is pretty nice. I am just so excited and nervous and thrilled and terrified to be mostly on my own. A little under a year ago I was almost a newborn, come into the world and completely confused. But with Elaine and the rest of the Transition Center's help I feel like I can pass for human. I am not, of course, human at all. I am...well I just am not. I mean I can tell you on here because who would ever believe me right? I tell you I am a star that used to shoot across the sky and a lot of my fellow artists would just think I was being poetic. Which is safe. Apparently being an artist buys you a great deal of artistic freedom to simply make such grand proclamations. There is a man here that makes nightlights I think and he says he once lived on the moon. From infancy I think. I have one of his creations but it's packed away in a box somewhere because I am not quite done unpacking. But sleep is needed and this journal needs to be done before I simply nod off. So my little items stowed away in boxes can stay snuggled and nested in their cardboard another night.

I guess I like it here. My neighbors have already tried to be hospitable and I have been such an awkward receptor of their greetings. I will try my hardest to talk to them on a regular basis the way roommates and neighbors often should. They are a collection of artists so we have that in common. But socializing is just...not something I prefer. I am what they call a hermit. A turtle that hides in her shell. It's no surprise that the nickname of 'turtle' may carry over from my time at the Transition Center. I suppose that's endearing, right? To warrant a nickname? In truth I would rather disappear and slip into the background unnoticed and mostly I do a phenomenal job of that. But Elaine has told me that socializing will help be a lot. It's just...what use is socializing when all I want to connect with is my Companion Star? Where are they? Are they okay? Are they safe? These are the thoughts that run through my mind - racing like the shooting star that I am. It's nerve-wracking and drinking my chamomile and lavender tea should help the thoughts fizzle away tonight.

That and looking up at the stars.

I think I am going to go do that, call it a night. Hit the hay is an expression about going to sleep I think. But before I leave here is a picture of the most recent ring I made with melding metals together.

user posted image

Really hoping to do more with mixed metals and Elaine says that selling the more complex and mixed items in a boutique or online really is the way to go. Right now I have the shop set up but haven't listed anything. I suppose once I get unpacked I can manage that all right? Right. So goodnight to you all, sleep well, and if you are looking up at the same stars as me this night then know I am there with you in that sleeping peace.

tags: beginning; moving-in; new-place; neighbors;
mood: mood: nervous
music: beautiful things (gabriel & dresden unplugged remix) - andain

---

- in the end we're all just stardust -


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ember moltas sterling
 Posted: Apr 12 2015, 07:08 PM
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44 POSTS
5'7"
kintsukuroi (n.) (v.phr.) "to repair with gold"; the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken
27
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hypervelocity star



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★ just the words of a girl that is made of starlight and crafted from the deepest reaches of the universe ★ thank you for listening to the song of the shooting star sailing through the sky that wants nothing more than to grant your greatest wish ★ in the form of a kind word, a crafted piece just for you, or an entry that perhaps speaks to you ★ keep calm and carry on ★
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12 APRIL 2015 @ 08:02 PM
a shimmering light in the darkness
That nightlight that I mentioned in my last post? I found it today. I finished unpacking and there it was, wrapped up in it's bubble-wrap that Elaine found for me. She was the one to buy me the light. It was when I was first brought here. I remember not understanding a lot of things spoken around me. It was all just noises, sounds that were emerging from the faces of the other humans around me. But even then I did not know the term 'human' at all. I merely understood that I was now one of these beings and that I was much out of my element. These other beings around me were far more adept at life than I was. Clothed and moving with ease, making noises at each other that seemed to be understood. I felt alone in my confusion. I did not understand the world that I had come into. After being chased by the Darkness I wondered if maybe it had swallowed me up. That it had grasped me and taken hold, submitting me to this cold and scared feeling that ate me up from the inside. But that is where the nightlight comes in.

You see...after watching my Companion Star get swallowed up by the black hole...and after seeing the shadow of that Darkness, that I assumed was the black hole reaching out after me, swallow up the landscape around me? I was much scared of the dark. It was something that these beings around me seemed to hibernate through. They would cease motion and their noises and they would sink into comfort for hours at a time. I would learn later that it was sleep. Rest. That they were used to a certain concept of time and that, based on the rise and fall of the sun due to their planet's rotation, there was such thing as 'nighttime'. And that meant the sun was gone and that my fellow stars were outside. But they kept me in a room that had only one window and I was far too scared to know where to look for my fellow stars. All I saw was the darkness. And I was terrified.

To me the absence of light used to be the dark matter around me. The space which I sailed through. The perfect halo to the stars that I and my Companion Star at my side passed. But all of that regard to the black inking color that I knew to be darkness was going to be forever changed as the black hole tore apart my life. It robbed me of my other half and I was propelled through the cosmos at such a pace that I had never felt before. It was both magnificent and completely lonely. My companion was not by my side and the Darkness was stretching out from where I thought the black hole had been, making me think that it was trying to swallow me up. And so darkness, even in this world, felt wrong. It made me cold. Trembling and shaking and my mind ever awake and alert. The only time I could sleep was when I had worn myself out. And I would wake up to it being any hour or any light - but if it was darkness outside then I was curled up scared as could be that I was going to be taken the same way my Companion Star was. That the Darkness had finally come to get me.

That was when Elaine, the sweet face that was patient with me ever since the beginning even when I couldn't understand any words that fell from her lips, gave me a kindness. She went out and got the special nightlight that would comfort me and allow me to sleep from that moment on. She knew that I held a regard for lights. It was the reason my naked and nearly immobile self had crawled to a woman holding a cellphone that first time in the alleyway where the portal lay. She had somehow intrinsically understood that I craved light. Or possibly she saw me was the infant I was and thought it would be a great deal of comfort for me to have a light. To keep me unafraid of what might be laying in the darkness. That nightlight was a symbol from her that she knew I needed to be comforted and that she was there for me. It was from that moment on that I trusted her.

And it was from that night on that I would sneak away from atop the mattress and slink away from the bed with my blanket in hand - and I would curl up around the nightlight and sleep on the ground. Peacefully soothing myself into that human hibernation while the light shone down on my little fetal position where I lay just underneath the socket that held it against the wall. I remember those nights and they feel so far away from me but...it was such a little glimmer of hope where otherwise I felt lost and afraid and confused.

One day I hope to tell this story to the artist that made this light.
I wonder if he will appreciate the comfort he and his creations brought to a wayward star like me.

tags: light; comfort; coming-here; local-artists;
mood: mood: contemplative
music: the gravel road - james newton-howard

---

- in the end we're all just stardust -


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ember moltas sterling
 Posted: Apr 14 2015, 07:25 AM
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44 POSTS
5'7"
kintsukuroi (n.) (v.phr.) "to repair with gold"; the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken
27
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★ just the words of a girl that is made of starlight and crafted from the deepest reaches of the universe ★ thank you for listening to the song of the shooting star sailing through the sky that wants nothing more than to grant your greatest wish ★ in the form of a kind word, a crafted piece just for you, or an entry that perhaps speaks to you ★ keep calm and carry on ★
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14 APRIL 2015 @ 09:12 AM
“so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past”
Social things make me so very nervous. I get anxiety just thinking about going out and in the beginning I would panic almost on the regular. Time would slow down because any little thing would scare me. A horn honking, which is common here in New York City, would startle me and because I hadn't gotten control of my powers time would freeze around me. It's nice now because I have control over that power but just starting out and with my arm looped in Elaine's? It was any little thing that would spook me and send the time around me halting to a near-stop. It wasn't really freezing you see, I would just activate something inside me that wanted to speed up and run away. So I would enter my own time-slip. The same speed I would travel as a star, which is infinitely faster than the time string here on earth. It's all a bit complicated but the point is that I would spook and everything around me would cease moving until I caught my breath. It made a simple walk down the street take what should be five minutes and I managed to make it something akin to half an hour after all the stops and starts.

I still get nervous but now that I comprehend what cars and buses are, now that I understand honking and technology and how various people have all manner of dress and skin color - now that these concepts are commonplace in my mind it makes moving around the city just a bit easier. Don't get me wrong, I am still a skittish and shy little wisp of a girl. I bite my nails on the regular while I am out. Elaine always tries to remind me to stop but I just can't. When I am on the subway and I look at all the people around me and I think about how we are underground cased within metal and surrounded by artificial light it's all just a bit much. So my poor nails will likely never be long and beautiful and healthy. Maybe when I am linked back with my Companion Star - but right now? Not a chance.

Sometimes I bring a mug of tea with me. I don't necessarily enjoy it but Elaine made me a mixture to calm my nerves once during a session where we were talking about the history of the world and how fighting and war was a common occurrence within this human world. I remember shivering out of fear as my eyes widened with the information I was receiving. I didn't like it. I felt like the character in The Fifth Element, a favorite movie of mine, when she learns about it. And Elaine saw my mind rattling incredulously as I struggled to comprehend. That was when we went down to the kitchens and she made me the chamomile and lavender tea combination. It soothed me to the point where I was able to almost meditate on the idea of such gore and carnage. Within the good there will always be bad. A constant play of light and shadow, of right and wrong. It is a sad fact but it is a very real one. I have since coped but still the idea of fighting and struggle makes me very sad, anxious, and I would rather turn tail than have to witness it. Elaine says I am the latter in the question of fight vs flight.

But, regardless of the situation around me in the city, I sometimes take the tea to calm my nerves. It makes me quite mellow and I will add honey to it every now and then. Like this morning. I am headed out to try and be social like Elaine has told me to. A good distance so that I can deliver some Nebula Rings to a boutique in Soho.

user posted image

Each time I try and go out like this Elaine says I am breaking out of my shell but I sometimes wonder. Because you see, even with the nail biting and the tea and my trying to branch out and put myself into the world...all I want to do is come back here and get right back in my shell. But I suppose every little step helps in the walk that you take through life.

Alright, gotta get ready to go. Wish me luck ★

tags: anxiety; the-city; nyc; art; tea;
mood: mood: nervous
music: a dream within a dream - the glitch mob

---

- in the end we're all just stardust -


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ember moltas sterling
 Posted: Apr 15 2015, 09:05 PM
Quote
44 POSTS
5'7"
kintsukuroi (n.) (v.phr.) "to repair with gold"; the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken
27
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MIRA IS Offline
hypervelocity star



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★ just the words of a girl that is made of starlight and crafted from the deepest reaches of the universe ★ thank you for listening to the song of the shooting star sailing through the sky that wants nothing more than to grant your greatest wish ★ in the form of a kind word, a crafted piece just for you, or an entry that perhaps speaks to you ★ keep calm and carry on ★
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15 APRIL 2015 @ 11:11 PM
and now her spilled milk life has stained her dress
So I have discovered another art-form that makes me completely happy. I mean I love making my little universes in the smallness of something like a pendant for a necklace or even the top of a ring. But there is a Japanese art form called Kintsukuroi that is kind of amazing. See it all happened because I heard a loud crash and I was so spooked I stopped my melding of metals in their little stone dish where I create blends. I had jumped up and made a little noise like I do when I'm scared, all because something made an audible crashing noise. I have gotten better at my ability to slip into a faster time-stream, but something about when I am completely scared just...throws me off. It makes me slip into that time-stream where everything around me practically freezes and I honestly can't help it. So I took a deep breath and looked around in my workshop. Nothing had made the noise. And so when I looked around the rest of my little studio apartment I turned up nothing either. So, with the world practically frozen around me, I decided to try and see what the world it might have been.

Now I don't spy on the neighbors like some kind of pervert. Don't think that - I honestly don't. But if there are people in the hallways I will check out what's going on. If there are people on the balcony I will merely look over from my own balcony. And that was where I saw the noise originating from. A person trying to water their plants had knocked a few pots over. I could see one already broken and in pieces upon the ground while another was shattering in mid air. I always love seeing things frozen like that. It's a beautiful testament to how many parts and pieces can make something what it is. And therein lies the thought process for this new art. I forget where I saw it, maybe some catalog or artist online but still the idea came back from one simple image and now I think I will start a new business venture where I practice Kintsukuroi for either repair or just pieces that I think would be better with a little more character to them.

I think now is the time to explain what the world this art form is:

user posted image

Kintsugi (金継ぎ?) (Japanese: golden joinery) or Kintsukuroi (金繕い?) (Japanese: golden repair) is the Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum, a method similar to the maki-e technique. As a philosophy it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.

This philosophy is something that resonates with me quite a bit. I mean...I am not whole right now. I am missing an entire half of myself with the Companion Star that is lost to me. I am not entirely human and missing entire experiences and rites of passage because I was simply made a fully grown person when I crossed the portal. I am a bit broken and if we are all being honest with ourselves we kind of all are to some extent. We try our hardest to disguise those cracks just like people typically do with a broken pot or vase or piece of art that gets chipped. And that is if they don't just throw that broken thing out entirely - which is a metaphor we are not following into how that might relate to humans. Because...just because we aren't. I don't like thinking about it.

The point is: our scars and our experiences and our 'broken'ness is a shared collective idea. It's a quantum connection that means we are all one. We are all wanting to be a 'bit more' this and 'little less' that. None of us are perfect. And I think this art form is something important to me because it shows a beauty in that notion. It tells the world and my customers and patrons that it's perfectly alright to be human and broken and not-perfect. That's entirely normal.

And maybe Elaine will take this as me trying to cope with how I feel like I don't fit in. Maybe it will be therapy for me with each piece I string back together with my yellow gold and rose gold and even my sterling silver. But...something tells me it will be a longer process than she anticipates. She may think after a few dozen pieces that I put back together there will be some progress but you see...until I have my Companion Star back in my life I highly doubt I will do anything but hide away. Little by little I will venture out but the outcome will always be me wanting to hole up where it's safe and where I know I can stay my star-self without feeling like an alien that is honestly just keeping her mind locked away in a blackhole. Looking for her other half. Because...I am.

user posted image

tags: anxiety; neighbors; apartment; art;
mood: mood: nostalgic
music: sweet sorrow (thrillseekers remix) - ferry corsten

---

- in the end we're all just stardust -


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ember moltas sterling
 Posted: Apr 20 2015, 09:11 AM
Quote
44 POSTS
5'7"
kintsukuroi (n.) (v.phr.) "to repair with gold"; the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken
27
unattached
demisexual
MIRA IS Offline
hypervelocity star



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★ just the words of a girl that is made of starlight and crafted from the deepest reaches of the universe ★ thank you for listening to the song of the shooting star sailing through the sky that wants nothing more than to grant your greatest wish ★ in the form of a kind word, a crafted piece just for you, or an entry that perhaps speaks to you ★ keep calm and carry on ★
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20 APRIL 2015 @ 11:16 AM
starlight starbright, first star i see tonight
It's been a rather busy weekend, I apologize for not getting entries up. I suppose because it's the Summertime there are a lot of people coming out and wanting to do things with one another. That's all well and good but I just would rather stay in my little studio apartment and not partake. But my neighbors were organizing an artists table for a little festival a few blocks away and they inevitably knocked on my door because the plan is to have stuff to sell from every artist in the residence. A kind of way to make the world aware that we are here, we are steadily working, and also just a way to make money. I remember the knock on my door from the couple that live upstairs. The guy has bright orange hair and the girl has no hair at all. Shaved it all off and honestly her piercings more than make up for her lack of hair. They are sweet in their own way I just feel like such a meek little mouse in my monotone wardrobe and my mass of blonde hair that hides my face. No real self expression there unless all I am trying to say is how much I want to fade into the background. But still, they were nice enough when they were asking me about putting in some of my pieces.

So, needless to say, I have been working most of my days. Ordering pottery that is on discount because it's broken and fixing the pieces with my new technique. Making bracelets and rings and pendants all to stock the table for the art festival. And so journal entries have been the last thing on my mind. But here I am updating because now the festival is over and I have made a pretty substantial amount from the customers buying my stuff - and now I can relax a little. I suppose I could have cheated and slowed down time in order to spend the rest of my weekend doing something else other than working. But if I am worried about being an imposter in a human body then using a skill to be even more less-human might be counterproductive. So here I am, trying to play by the human rules and hoping I'm doing alright.

I should have maybe gone to the actual festival. That would have pleased Elaine. But large crowds and alcohol and people asking me questions about my art just...that whole idea sounds utterly horrible. The absolute last thing I would want to do honestly. I mean it's not like I am good with only a handful of people around. Mingling in a large crowd, even if most of them are just my neighbors, sounds mildly terrifying. Add alcohol to the mix and I just don't know if I could manage that. And people asking me about things and actually trying to strike up conversation? No thank you. I mean...I get anxiety about answering things when I see a question in my inbox from my Etsy shop. I really doubt a hoard of customers all dressed up and warmed in the sun with a beer in hand would be something a little star like me could navigate. And, again, the alcohol inclusion just makes me shy away all the more.

I have had alcohol before and all I end up doing is laughing at almost everything. I ended up twirling around with my eyes closed because I mumbled something about wanting to feel more like my original self sailing through space. And then I ended up making myself dizzy and fall over. Long limbs like humans have are difficult to manage while alcohol is impairing them. That and words tend to be difficult as well. Tripping over themselves and stumbling out. And once I got to bed I just wanted to roll around my sheets because I was warm and they were quite cool. Temperature gauging while impaired with alcohol is difficult to be sure. I just...it's not like it's a horrible experience. I felt quite floaty and everything was honey-slow and made me laugh quite a bit. But I think it's the lack of complete memory and details being a bit fuzzy all while my personality was shifted? That un-nerves me. I mean at the time it didn't un-nerve me. It's a definite way to get me to calm down and not be so riddled with anxiety - but I think the implications of being so different while drinking alcohol just kind of make me run in the other direction. A lot of things do that though, make me want to run away, so it's honestly no surprise.

If I am going to drink then I am going to do it when I have a free day and nothing to do and I just want to twirl around the house and let my mind catch up with how much my body is spinning on it's axis. But then there is the difficulty of what kind of alcohol to buy? I mean...humans must care a great deal about it because there are so many variations. I learned once in a course that Elaine gave me on psychology and sociology that you can see what a culture cares about by how many words and variations they have for something. So I see that humans here care a great deal about clothes, cars, alcohol, sex, and music. There are many other things but the varied degrees of things in all of those categories is astronomical. Quite a bit indeed. So, instead of navigating the great wide world of alcohol, I will just spend my day listening to music and just working on my art. That sounds like a very worth-while use of my time honestly.

So, until next time ★

tags: anxiety; neighbors; apartment; art; festival;
mood: mood: relaxed
music: clutter - ronald jenkees

---

- in the end we're all just stardust -


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ember moltas sterling
 Posted: Apr 22 2015, 07:57 PM
Quote
44 POSTS
5'7"
kintsukuroi (n.) (v.phr.) "to repair with gold"; the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken
27
unattached
demisexual
MIRA IS Offline
hypervelocity star



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★ just the words of a girl that is made of starlight and crafted from the deepest reaches of the universe ★ thank you for listening to the song of the shooting star sailing through the sky that wants nothing more than to grant your greatest wish ★ in the form of a kind word, a crafted piece just for you, or an entry that perhaps speaks to you ★ keep calm and carry on ★
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22 APRIL 2015 @ 07:57 PM
fish fingers & custard
I have only played Hide-and-Seek once. It's not a game I much like to play. I don't like the anticipation of knowing that there is someone looking for me but that the object is that I must hide away from them out of sight. I also don't like the feeling of being alone. It un-nerves me to know that everyone is separated - even if it is all in good fun. Nothing about the game appeals to me and I know it has everything to do with me and my Companion Star. How we are parted and even if I feel that my star is alive and connected to me with a tether there is nothing I can do about it. It's like a cosmic game of Hide-and-Seek but maybe there is some confusion. Who is hiding? Who is seeking? Are we seeking? Am I supposed to be actively looking for my Companion Star? Are they looking for me? The whole thing just sends my stomach in knots and I end up needing a glass of milk to calm myself down. A splash of cold water and a count to fifty when I close my eyes. Anything to curb my anxiety.

I may never know why milk calms me down so much but it does. I am constantly in need of milk in my fridge. Not much in there stays on a constant cycle but milk is one of those things that does. Everything else is kind of always random. I never know what I am going to want to try. All human food and the very fact that this body of mine needs nourishment in the form of edible things just kind of fascinates me. So I am always picking up something new. I have tried all kinds of things and I think that each culture in each location having it's own cuisine is completely brilliant. It's a matter of economics, the land, the values of that culture, the geography steadily changing over years, imports and exports, and just basic body biology. Not everyone can live on a diet of fish and random plants that only thrive in harsh weather, but for those that live in cold weather up farther away from the equator that is a very real way of life. It completely enthralls me and so I try to keep this human palette of mine completely ever-changing. But, like I said before, milk is a constant. It must just be a basic thing like water that I get from my sink. A kind of life-blood that I thrive on.

I have found that fruit is rather nice, vegetables can be made nice with oils and a bit of seasoning, bread in all of it's variations can be very delicious, pastas are bountiful and nourishing while also being very tasty to eat, and meat is good when eaten in small quantities. And dairies, like cheeses and yogurts and milks, are all so appealing to my human tastes. The dairies tend to go with just about all of the other food groupings and I think that's where the love of milk tends to come into play. Carbs and starches are something that are supposed to be eaten in moderation apparently, but they are very luring. I always want those with whatever I eat. And venturing away from them in global cuisine is interesting. Just the other day I tried something from Japan that was mostly fish and seaweed with little strips of vegetables throughout. It was delicious and not a single starch - so I knew when I felt full that it was from the meal even in it's simplicity without that additive.

I suppose all of this is a rather clinical way to look at food, but trust me when I say I love it. Nothing in the world can begin to describe the variation of flavors and ways that humans craft their food. It's the way they survive and prolong life and they have made an art of it really. They fabricate new food and new ways to eat each and every day. And this city is a beautiful shining jewel of cooking, so I make sure that when I venture out I am not just stepping into a routine and eating the same thing every single day. This city is a hub of so many different cultures and nothing yet has not utterly fascinated me. Sometimes the flavors are too robust or the texture is less than satisfying, but I try to keep an open mind. I'm sure I should make a list of what it is I do and don't like. That might make things far easier. But it's almost an adventure if I forget and try something again. It's like my mind remembers the flavor and it's tied to memory almost as strongly as a scent. It's wonderful. It's one of the adventures I can control when I choose to step out and try food. It also doesn't mean I have to interact with people too terribly much. Just the waiter at the table or the person or cook behind the counter.

As for tonight? I am going to try and make spaghetti carbonara and drink a nice tall glass of my milk. I hear it's a bit complicated but I have the recipe printed off and the ingredients all laid out. So, here goes nothin'

Wish me luck ★

tags: food; city; nyc; flavor; hide-n-seek; anxiety; memory;
mood: mood: hungry
music: say my name (feat. zyra) (emancipator remix) - odesza

---

- in the end we're all just stardust -


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ember moltas sterling
 Posted: Apr 25 2015, 11:48 AM
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kintsukuroi (n.) (v.phr.) "to repair with gold"; the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken
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★ just the words of a girl that is made of starlight and crafted from the deepest reaches of the universe ★ thank you for listening to the song of the shooting star sailing through the sky that wants nothing more than to grant your greatest wish ★ in the form of a kind word, a crafted piece just for you, or an entry that perhaps speaks to you ★ keep calm and carry on ★
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25 APRIL 2015 @ 01:40 PM
"it's just an object...doesn't mean what you think"
I don't read too many books. It's just so much easier for my star-mind to be drawn to technology. Ever since that moment that I saw the glow of light while crawling in the alleyway I have just been drawn to the light. As detailed with the entry where I explain my love of light and how it is the antithesis of the darkness that was the black-hole. All of that likely lent a hand in what is now my preference for things visually and accompanied by technology. It's the glow of the technology, the hum of artificial life, and the warmth that is accompanied by that same artifice of life that the machine-driven thing has. I love it all. Books, by contrast, can be so cold. Lifeless. Void of light. But there are electronic books and that is where Elaine led me until I was at peace with the thing I was attempting to read. Comforted by the glow underneath the words she was going to teach me to try and read. I remember when it started out as simple words, sounds and syllables of the letters I had just finally grasped and understood. Teaching me to read and communicate was a feat to be sure, and Elaine was as patient as a saint about it.

Now here I am writing journal entries with amazing ease.

But, while speaking of books, I have sense been reminded of a few books from my past. When Elaine was trying to explain to me the concept of sciences and mathematics I remembered being so entirely confused. Fiction was enthralling but it was confusing in a different way entirely. I had an easy enough time seeing the modes of human interaction and grasping the concepts of whatever the plot-line was, but to this day I still mix fact and fiction. I may see a church and think it's Hogwarts. I may think about the line of the European royalty and then my mind will add the Baratheon and the Lannister characters from Game of Thrones. And when I see news about outbreaks of viruses sometimes I fear that it may be a repeat of a zombie infestation that never happened.

However the confusion with the science and math was something entirely different. It boggled my mind the same way that learning about religion and spirituality did. I mean I understood the concepts of space and the vastness of it all because that was my home before this planet. My mind had an easy enough time wrapping around that. But there were two concepts that really baffled me and I find that now, upon knowing them intimately, I actually meld them together with the idea of quantum spirituality. But we will get into that in a whole other entry I'm sure. Right now the two basic ideas can honestly be summed up with two book covers / titles:

user posted image

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The first book was a history and detailed origin story of the concept of 'zero' and 'nothingness' - within the Bhagavad Gita there is a lot of talk about how humans and the material world always seem to battle with the notion of non-existence or a higher plane where the abstract is more substantial. I am not completely versed in the Gita but some of the concept of Eastern religion and their thought processes really do lend themselves to my way of thinking when I meditate and try to become my more pour star-self. Shedding myself of the ties to my human body and simply reaching inside myself to find that center. That...soul? Whatever it's called. But the very search to look inside kind of ushers back into thought these two books. But it was not always so simple for me. Meditating was not a daily ritual and self-discovery and my would-be enlightenment was far from fruition.

It was a hard concept for me to grasp. This notion of nothingness and being without, I remember it made me very nervous and I felt alone. So very far from my Companion Star, knowing that I was 'without' and that the black hole was the very antithesis of matter and was indeed a giant reminder of this new concept of 'zero' or 'nothing'. But through it all I felt the tug to my Companion Star. I feel that abstract and impossibly thin tether to my star not failing me. The star I had once had at my side hadn't vanished into this concept of nothingness and therefore was still whole somewhere. And even still I learned later that all matter breaks down into something else and never is truly lost. Which is comforting.

Comforting too was the second book, Flatland - because it explained spatial and material things to me in mathematical ways while also trying to stretch beyond the realm of what humans already knew and try and communicate that there was still so very much to be explored. Which was a concept that melded with my knowledge of where I came from. It helped me cope with all that was larger and darker in the world. It made me feel small and adrift but oddly at peace when I thought of where I had come from and all that was still unknown to both me and the humans I was now living among. Then there was the concept of other dimensions that were there and able to be reached if only we tried. Places I tried to think about during meditation and during times when I wondered just where it was that my Companion Star had gone to.

These books are always on hand and are counted among my favorites. Not as much as Neil Gaiman's Stardust, but that's an obvious adoration if you think about it. And now I am going to fill my belly with some new human food creation and then let it nourish my material body while I meditate and nurture the abstract and non-material part of my self.

Until next time fellow stars ★

tags: science; math; learning; books; quantum; spirituality; memory;
mood: mood: contemplative
music: mana (feat. julie elven) - valetin boomes

---

- in the end we're all just stardust -


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ember moltas sterling
 Posted: Apr 28 2015, 09:07 PM
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kintsukuroi (n.) (v.phr.) "to repair with gold"; the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken
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★ just the words of a girl that is made of starlight and crafted from the deepest reaches of the universe ★ thank you for listening to the song of the shooting star sailing through the sky that wants nothing more than to grant your greatest wish ★ in the form of a kind word, a crafted piece just for you, or an entry that perhaps speaks to you ★ keep calm and carry on ★
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28 APRIL 2015 @ 10:36 PM
absence makes the heart grow hungry
I felt a sadness today that I haven't felt in a long time. I was trying to feel the tethered connection to my Companion Star - trying to meditate and work myself along that strand of connection until I felt them but...something was wrong. I couldn't even do any work today because of it. And everything I watched didn't distract me. The food I tried to cook I ended up burning or over-boiling or just...messing up entirely. I don't know how to say it other than the fact that I was just at a loss. I am normally never forlorn and missing my Companion Star this much. Just know that we are both existing somewhere even if we are not together can sometimes help me and calm me until everything is fine. No anxiety at all. But something about today just hit me. It's Summer and it's warm and everyone is outside with their colors and their beauty and their golden skin. There are music festivals and concerts and craft fairs and Ren faires and just all kinds of amazing things happening right now.

And here I am in my muted colors just hiding away. Like a hermit. Missing my other half.

Dear Companion-Star of mine,

I want to meet you. I want to know you. I wonder about you all the time. I wonder where you are and what was going on in your thoughts as the black hole took hold of you. I wonder if you are alright. I wonder if you remember me. If you recall those millions of years we were side by side and everything made sense. I want to be with you. I wouldn't even mind if we were both trapped in the darkness because if we were side by side like we should always be then I think it would be bearable. I wonder if you actually got out somehow. If you were propelled in the opposite direction maybe. Or alongside me but I couldn't see you. I wonder if you are safe and I wonder if in that safety the memories of me help you at all. I wonder...

I also wonder what you would be like if you were over here. If you would be a man or a woman. If you would be tall. I bet you would be. You were always bigger and brighter than me. Always the anchor in our little unit of two. I wonder if you would enjoy the world on this side. If you would sip lemonade with me or if you would insist on something with more sugar. Maybe a bit more tart. Which would you like? Would you hold my hand as we crossed the street? Would you need glasses like I do when I have to gaze at little things? Would you prefer reading to watching movies and shows like I do? Would you be a whiz at the computer or not? Would you wear more colors than I do?

I wonder about you all the time my star. I want to know you. But most of all I want you safe. I want you happy. I want you unharmed and I need you to know that you are loved. That, no matter where you are, you have a star there that adores you. Whoever you are. Wherever you are. You are loved. I am yours. I will always be your Companion Star. Your sibling your mother your lover your friend - whatever it is that I will be for you. Always and forever.

My sadness and lonely thoughts are not comforted by much of anything right now. I don't know why I cannot feel the connection to my star today. I am hoping that changes. Right now I just need to go to sleep and hope that tomorrow is better. I just...I miss my Companion Star. I feel the ache and loss of that company in my life like the hollow sound of a bell without the ability to make a single sound. I will likely go talk to Elaine about this tomorrow. She likes to see me when my mood is down because it is kind of rare. Mostly I am situated and compartmentalized enough that all that overtakes me is anxiety about the outside world. This loneliness is uncharacteristic.

Which is good - if I was plagued with this anguish of missing my Companion Star every single day like I do today then I am fairly certain I couldn't function properly. Sleep is the only escape for the moment. And even then I know I will dream of my other half. Here's to hoping that dreams come true and I will wake one day to see them in my life here on earth.

tags: alone; memories; companion-star;
mood: mood: forlorn
music: resurrection (robots outro) - ppk

---

- in the end we're all just stardust -


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ember moltas sterling
 Posted: May 2 2015, 10:09 PM
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kintsukuroi (n.) (v.phr.) "to repair with gold"; the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken
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★ just the words of a girl that is made of starlight and crafted from the deepest reaches of the universe ★ thank you for listening to the song of the shooting star sailing through the sky that wants nothing more than to grant your greatest wish ★ in the form of a kind word, a crafted piece just for you, or an entry that perhaps speaks to you ★ keep calm and carry on ★
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03 MAY 2015 @ 12:12 AM
little soul...big world
I find it difficult to follow Elaine's orders to go out and meet people. I mean...I meet people online all the time. We talk and I feel so connected to them. Is that not socializing? I mean did anyone pry Emily Dickinson from her home while she was a shut in and a loner? No. They let her be and nobody told her that it was more proactive and healthy to venture outside. I mean...I guess I see it. But hasn't Elaine taken a look out into the world lately? People aren't actually talking to one another even as they sit side by side. Everyone on the subway has headphones and books and newspapers out. Some have those amazing glowing books I like. I prefer them to actual books, but I think we already went over that in my other entry. But alas, that is not the point. The point is that these technological ways of talking to people have clearly overtaken traditional meeting of people. I mean...people date online. Talk face to face online. Pay everything online. Order pizza online! It's a miracle for people like me that allows me to see pieces of the world and gather all the information I need and yet I don't have to leave my computer safe in my apartment.

It's hard to see the opposite side of genuine interaction when I walk through the frozen city and experience all kinds of things with the added benefit of not having to talk to anyone at all. I do it for business and grocery shopping but that's where the list normally ends. Much to Elaine's dismay. But the moment I really take a look at people and hold back my compulsion to freeze time and walk home without having to really endure the world in real-time, I notice little things. Mothers talking on their cell phones as their children stand idly and look at the world around them, ignored entirely save for the hand holding their own. The hand belonging to the mother that is too busy talking to anyone about anything. Too busy to notice their child's development and wandering eye.

People do this when they are supposed to be talking to a clerk as well. That, I must admit, drives me a little up the wall. I mean...they are trying to tell someone how much they owe and instead of listening and giving any greeting or farewell or anything they are prattling away on their phone. At tables of restaurants I will see people sitting side by side or even across from one another and they are on their cell phone. Or people walking with headphones in. Technology giving them music or podcasts and absolutely no sense of the world around them. Missing the chirping birds and the musician at the corner and the kids laughing as they play hopscotch with the chalk-drawn lines upon the sidewalk. It's all such a colorful array of human and environmental interaction that these people, those that aren't as socially awkward as me, are completely missing. Ignoring entirely. And I feel miffed that I can't just do as they do. I feel aggravated that Elaine is pressing me to try and make my own place in this world without aid from technology.

Can it really be that wrong if everyone else is doing it?

Ah well, I will try to do as she says because she's been so kind and meeting people can't be that horrible can it? I mean...it's not like they will know in not really wholly human. I technically am because I have this human body. But it's just odd knowing that my soul and spirit are not at all human and I feel this human body is nothing but a shell that does not belong to me. Sometimes I wonder at how I was fully grown as I came through. I wonder about this body and if, somehow, I stole it. Is there some spirit or soul lost and traded on the other side of the portal awaiting their body? Merely a consciousness not tethered to the concrete world?

Elaine says these thoughts are just my general anxiety and that I can't be a thief at all because when I cross over the body becomes this beautiful light-bearing and crystalized thing. She assumes that if I was one being and then crossed then the portal made my body what it is now simply by chance or some magic knowing I was destined to have it. Either way it is mine and mine alone so I must appreciate and own it without worry of having taken it. Most days I can think in her frame of mind without worry. But sometimes I feel my mind drifting to these bundles and snarls of anxiety and I merely bite my nails. It's a vicious cycle. I suppose, if nothing else, the meeting of people can distract from these anxieties?

Then again...chances are it may just make a whole slew of new anxieties.
But whatever. It's doctor's orders. Ugh.

tags: anxiety; elaine; city; strangers;
mood: mood: stressed
music: off chops - opiuo

---

- in the end we're all just stardust -


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ember moltas sterling
 Posted: May 7 2015, 07:58 AM
Quote
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kintsukuroi (n.) (v.phr.) "to repair with gold"; the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken
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★ just the words of a girl that is made of starlight and crafted from the deepest reaches of the universe ★ thank you for listening to the song of the shooting star sailing through the sky that wants nothing more than to grant your greatest wish ★ in the form of a kind word, a crafted piece just for you, or an entry that perhaps speaks to you ★ keep calm and carry on ★
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07 MAY 2015 @ 9:52 AM
beauty is in the eye of all those who behold it
My nails are a bitten off mess because I tried to go and actually talk to people the other day. There was a gallery opening for a girl that lives here in the little artist housing I am part of. Like I stated in previous entries: most of the time I am a loner and people here just kind of roll with that. It's an artistic temperament and they don't seem to bother me, thinking that it's just part of my creative process. You can get away with a lot as an artist. I have seen and heard about people this live her or within other cities and they will be doing something entirely crazy and people just kind of let it happen once they realize they're dealing with an eccentric creative. What is it about the creative mind that keeps people at arms length I wonder. Not fellow artists, though that is the case sometimes, but I mean just normal everyday run of the mill people that I see in the city without a creative bone in their body. They shy away from the aspect of the creative unless they like something and then it's either elevated the artist to a celebrity status in the viewer's mind or you have the ultra-rich that can buy obscenely priced creations and then it's more like a status thing. 'See how cultured and sophisticated I am? I buy abstract art' - that's the general way I see all the elevated status people that adore art.

I'm not saying I don't appreciate them. I do. And sometimes they are more then genuine and they actually have something intelligent to say and their minds really do relish the work they are buying from local artists. But just the general craziness of how the middle class and lower can't be bothered with something as 'high-brow' as art kind of saddens me. It's supposed to be for everyone. What an artist speaks, unless it is in fact aimed at rich people - and some is, is not reserved for those that hold all the power and all the money. Most of the time it's for and about the little people. The powerless. And sometimes it's merely universal and sweeps across all cultures and countries and power castes and monetary lines. Art can be accessible to everyone even if they make of it something for themselves and not exactly whatever the artist themselves was trying to say.

But I am rambling when I came on here to talk about the gallery. It was a nice enough place and it was in the art district so I knew I had to dress up a bit nicely. I wore something with clean lines and neutral colors and had on my glasses because my hair was smoothed down and I felt like something needed to be around my eyes. Most times I will use my hair as a shield. It's a way for me to hide away from the world so long as my messy hair can be shaken in front of my face and I can pretend that I am unseen. I mean I know my hair can't hide me away - but it's a coping mechanism. And without that at this gallery I just felt like glasses there around my eyes would comfort me. I also painted my nails hoping that would keep me from biting them raw. It didn't help but I managed to only bite them a bit of the time. The poor glass I had as I walked around was fiddled with quite a bit though. I bet it looks like a sorry little glass with my nervous fingerprints all over it. Smoothing the glass over and over with one fingertip after the other, focusing on that instead of all the people around me.

And I only froze the room once. Just to walk around preliminarily and get a feel for it. To see who was there and observe everyone. Seeing everyone frozen there in mid conversation or while observing art and trying to wrap their mind around it...it was lovely. I loved that this place was a little slice of place and time in order to talk about art and it was accessible to anyone who wanted to come. It was a community of artists, most were neighbors, and other people they had reached out to via social media or word of mouth. I think I marveled the most at seeing everyone's large scope of friends and reaching out. That is really the life blood of every artist that wants to make money - you have to know people. Making connections is a way to ensure that even if they won't buy your work they know someone else that might. It's something I never did. I rely on the shop owners and people that buy my things online through web searches. My conversations are with people in other countries with broken English and loves of lovely compliments or questions about the metals I use. None of my work will ever go into a gallery like this and I am alright with that.

I ended up talking to a man about the piece of jewelry he had on. He was fabulously flamboyant and his jewelry was artisan and he said obtained from his time in Japan. Made from the same metal as lethal swords of the ancient samurai. I would like to go to Japan one day. I would like to travel all over the world if I could. But I know that with my pale complexion and bright hair I would be flocked to in other countries, especially the Japanese who adore all things American. That and I would actually need to be a lot less phobic of leaving and walking around the world than I am now if ever I were to leave. Which is going to be a very slow going process is my art gallery visit is any indication.

Elaine won't like this, but I left early. I talked to the man about his amazing necklaces and earrings and bracelets and I smiled awkwardly to a few neighbors that recognized me and said they were glad to see me out, we talked about the art and the artist and how this show was one of the best yet - and then I mingled a little by the table with cheese cubes and then I left. I was glad to be out and in the open air as I made my way down the street. I didn't like being in that gallery and walking around with people more social than me. All having a handful of people they had to talk to and needing to see while I felt more and more like a rat in a cage. I just...when I do this again I will make sure there is a lot of space and maybe less people. That sounds like a recipe for a better experience. I mean it wasn't bad - but all the while walking home I was glad to be able to blend into the world and just bite my nails until I got home and crawled under my covers before sleep took me away entirely.

I'm just not fit for heavily crowded social situations, but I know I can't let this scare me away from trying again. I will do something more Ember-friendly soon. I just...right now I just want to eat cereal and watch a marathon of something to occupy my mind. That sounds like a good detox from having to brush shoulders with so many many people.

tags: anxiety; elaine; city; strangers; art;
mood: mood: pensive
music: show me a sign - konkakt

---

- in the end we're all just stardust -


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ember moltas sterling
 Posted: Sep 14 2015, 09:41 PM
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kintsukuroi (n.) (v.phr.) "to repair with gold"; the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken
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★ just the words of a girl that is made of starlight and crafted from the deepest reaches of the universe ★ thank you for listening to the song of the shooting star sailing through the sky that wants nothing more than to grant your greatest wish ★ in the form of a kind word, a crafted piece just for you, or an entry that perhaps speaks to you ★ keep calm and carry on ★
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14 SEPTEMBER 2015 @ 8:51 PM
autumn carries more gold in it's pocket than all the other seasons
Being a star that is so much larger and faster and simply very very different than humans but also being within a human body? It is difficult. I have all of the memories and can recall the sensations of hurling through the uncharted reaches of space that these humans will likely never know. I can feel that phantom loss of my Companion Star when we reached too close to the black hole. I can remember the disconnect that I had with my human body as I first came to this side of the portal. But now I am here in this petite frame of flesh and bone. My brain can comprehend and think while also developing the means to communicate whatever it is that it happens to 'know' so that it's put on paper or upon a glowing screen or is spoken aloud. The frailty and fragility of the humans here always boggles my mind. When I bleed I simply look at the wound for a moment before really reacting. That is something I am not sure I will ever shake. As a star I never really had to worry about that. Wounds. Blood. Pain. Hurt. None of it was even within my mind as a concept - much less a reality. But the point remains, wound or no wound, that being a star walking among the humans that I co-habitate with in this new form of mine is very difficult at times.

The seasons have changed and it's Fall now. The very name makes me smile a little. Fall. Like a falling star. Which is me. And I fell here through the portal. Shooting through the sky and making my way to the thin veil that would bring me here. The leaves are changing, the people are layering their clothing, the smell of pumpkin spices all the shops I walk by, and the lure of candy and holidays is near. It means the foundation that I am now sort of working with might have all manner of things for me. There are certain days that the humans have allotted and set aside for special significance. There are things like Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas all coming up. I haven't ever celebrated them aside from the little things the Transition Center does for is residents. This foundation I am kind of helping with is this center that likes to make wishes come true for people. I went in after realizing that I feel most like I am melding both sides of myself when I am helping humans. They wish on falling stars and now I can help these wishes come true even as a human that is really a star. It's a good deal and I really and honestly like helping.

I didn't originally even want to go inside the building. I stood there and tried to talk myself into going home. But lo and behold I walk in and now I am helping them when I can. It's...very different. I am used to sitting in my room and keeping to myself. Talking to them through a screen is infinitely easier than knowing them in person. I just am not that full of social graces. But then I suppose I really do well when I am helping someone, it keeps me focused and I have something to do and - more than anything - I feel full of purpose.

It's definitely different and I will keep you all updated on what happens. I know Elaine wants to keep track of everything. I will do my best, but this whole thing honestly makes me want to hide in my room and meditate for forever. And it also makes me want my Companion Star quite a bit. This whole season does. I wonder if they would like the changing leaves. The candy corn. All the kids in costume and the trees that will come later with all the lights aglow in them. Everything new for them as it's new for me. Us learning these odd human customs and either smiling at how much we cannot adapt but trying anyway...or loving every second of it and keeping that tradition close in our already connected world where they are always and forever my other half. I miss their company terribly. If I could have one wish it would be having that Companion Star in my life from this moment onward.

And who knows - maybe wishes of a falling star can come true someday too.

tags: anxiety; elaine; wishes; social; strangers; companionstar
mood: mood: wistful
music: destiny sunrise - catcher

---

- in the end we're all just stardust -


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